It’s Complicated

When Avril Lavigne’s ‘Complicated’ came out several years ago, I liked the song, I also liked that girl because she reminded me of what I was like when I was a teen, nary a care in the world and didn’t care what people thought of her. And, she hung out with guys and was sort of a Tom Boy, just like I did back then.  She also dressed frickin’ weird, like I used to. Only I didn’t skateboard. Had skateboarding been the thing back then when I was a teen, you can be sure I’d be out there skateboarding.  It was the thing to do back then, only it wasn’t the thing to do in Chi-Town in my old neighborhood.   I did the rollerskating bit every weekend with my friends at the roller rink. Everytime I see my skates hangin’ on the side wall in my garage, these warm fuzzy memories floods back. Yup, I still have my skates.

I didn’t have deaf friends to hang out with after school or even on the weekends.  After school and on the weekends, the only friends I hung out with are the ones I grew up with in my neighborhood.  All of my deaf and hard of hearing friends didn’t live nearby.  Besides, they weren’t too comfortable hangin’ out with my friends from my neighborhood.  My neighborhood friends knew how to fingerspell cuz I taught them and they find it very useful when they’re grounded.  We all could fingerspell through the windows of their bedroom until the parents found out we could still communicate!  So, yeah, it’s pretty complicated. I don’t have an answer for why my deaf and hard of hearing friends weren’t cool with hanging out with my hearing friends.  As much as I tried to get them to hang out with us all, they chose not to, much to the dismay of my guy friends.  They thought it would be cool to date some of my deaf and/or hard of hearing friends.  I never dated any of my guy friends, mostly cuz I grew up with them and knew them since I was a toddler.  They tried, but, ya know, it’s complicated.  I saw many of my guy friends like a brother and yeah, they weren’t too happy about it.

When I grew my boobs at around 12 years old, one guy friend asked me if we could date. I said “No.”

“Why?”

“Cuz, I’ve known you like all my life!”

“Aww, comon Candy, pulease?!  You’ve never kissed a guy before right?”

“Yup”

“Why don’t we kiss and see where it goes.”

“Umm, I don’t think so.”

“Please Candy?”

“Umm, OKAY.”

We kissed and then! he put his hands on my pubescent boobs!

“What are you doing!”  I yelled.

“Everyone does that Candy!”  “Candy, just relax and let me put my hands on your boobs.” he said, ever so smoothly.

“Uh uh, no! it’s fucking complicated!”

I told the guy to stop cuz no sparks came and it didn’t feel right. I’ve known this guy since I was two years old. So, he was disappointed.  As this guy and I got older, we’d laugh about that experience.  He’s sweet, but he’s like a brother to me.  Every guy I knew from the neighborhood couldn’t get me to go steady with them.  Yeah, it’s complicated. Usually, I’d prefer to go out with a guy that I didn’t grow up with, ya know?

There was ONE guy in my neighborhood (who didn’t hung out with my crowd) whom I had a crush over, big time!  Everyone knew it.  My friends would see that guy and yell, “Hey Tony!  Candy likes ya!”  And, I’d be horrified, I’d take a peek at the guy, and he’d look my way and smile, showing his awesome dimples and I’d smile back at him and my friends would be like, “Whoa!  Tony and Candy sittin’ in a tree, K.I.S.S.I.N.G…..”  And, I’d be like, oh come guys!  That’s so JUVIE!   We’d all laugh.  What happened to Tony and I?   That’s a story for another day….It’s complicated.

Once, my friends and I went to a movie theater to watch a skateboarding movie. I don’t think it was a box hit, it was definitely a B movie of sorts.  But, after watching that movie, I was pretty down that none of the guys I knew in my neighborhood was into skateboarding. I definitely fell for a few guys in that movie, these long hairs and the way they dressed and how they just did all that cool moves just gets my tummy all complicated.  I still get the butterflies when I see skateboarders.  Don’t ask me why.  It’s one reason why I don’t bother to go by the skateboard park near my house. I’m afraid I might do something stupid.  You see, my youngest son has lots of friends that are skateboarders and BMX riders and they hang out at the skate park.  Imagine how horrified my son would have been.  Many of his skateboarder/BMX friends (whom are a lot older than he) flirts with me and I have had to put them in line…..guess that is a story for another day.  Anyway, back to ‘complicated.’

Complicated seems to be the word these days.  A month ago, I met one of my son’s friend who asked about my oldest boy and how he was doing.  He asked if my oldest was still with Baby and I told him that they weren’t together but they are keeping in touch with each other, told him it’s complicated.  The guy nodded, and said yea, relationships are complicated.  Yup, I told him, “tell me about it!”  He laughed and I laughed.  Relationships are complicated.  I should know. I’ve been with my guy for eons and through the rollercoaster ride of my life, it’s still complicated but we’ve probably been together a lot longer than any of our friends’ relationships. My guy is my best friend and he always will be.  Even if everything is cool and smooth, relationships are complicated in good times and bad.  But, I’m glad my son is back with his Baby, you see, they just made a song together and they’re trying to make a go of it and doing a great job so far! So, it is complicated.

Relationships are complicated.  They just are.  Just because it’s complicated does not mean it’s bad.  There’s no way for a relationship to be the ultimate, awesome, and true unless you have been down the complicated route.  If a relationship was never complicated, then the relationship sucks.  Not meant to be.   Same goes with friendships, it’s gotta be complicated or there really isn’t a true friendship.  Any friendship or relationship, whether they’re platonic or intense *has* to be complicated before you know it is potentially real.

Complicated doesn’t mean fake.  So, if the relationship or friendship has a fake intent, then it isn’t complicated.  Some people are ‘friends’ with some people just to keep their enemies close, that isn’t complicated, that’s fake and that something I started to realize not too long ago.  I never keep my enemies close to me, but apparently there are people out there that do.  What I thought was complicated turned out to be fake. I don’t bother with enemies, heck, I don’t think I have any.

So, yea, life is fucking complicated, eh?

If a relationship or friendship wasn’t complicated, then it was never meant to be.  If it’s complicated, then it’s worth hanging on to.

Life is complicated, that’s why there’s never a dull moment.

Complicated.  Gotta love that word!

In the meantime, I’m gonna try skateboarding, even though it’s complicated. Who knows, I might fall into Tony Hawk’s arm trying some shit ass move and create more complications in my life.  (yea, he’s been to the Skate Park in my town for the Grand Opening Ceremony.  Heck, he helped created the Skate Park design.)  So, yeah, when word gets around that Tony Hawk is comin’ to town again, you can be sure I’d be out there showing him some of my moves.  So, now, I gotta get busy and practice these cool moves.  Nevermind how old I am, I’m pretty good at learning anything fast and If I can still do cool moves with my rollerskates, I can sure do some cool moves with a skateboard, no? 

I’m a complicated person and my life is complicated and that only means one thing. I’m compassionate and full of passion for the true friends in my life and in life itself.

It’s complicated, eh?

In the meantime, while I’m practicing my moves, ya’ll have a great week!!!

Here’s Avril Lavigne – Complicated