Wanting ~ Hoping ~ Wishing

I was reading a post that Miss Kat’s mom posted where she asked her daughter, Miss Kat:

“When you grow up big like Mommy and Daddy, and you grow a baby in your tummy”  “and that baby is born, do you want your baby to be Deaf like you, or hearing like Mommy and Daddy?” She answered “Deaf”.

Upon reading another post by MKChaikof, where she talked about sharing the news of her daughter, Jessica’s deafness to Rachel when she brought Jessica home from the hospital, to which Rachel said

“I was hoping my little sister would be deaf like me.”

Then I read with interest where Paula Rosenthal, from Hearing Exchange had this to say:

“I wouldn’t (and didn’t) wish that I had a deaf child so she could be like me.”

Want…..Hope……Wish……

Miss Kat is a very young child and her wanting a deaf child (obviously she’s still young and her views may change as she gets older, maybe not.) is pretty typical as you can see, similarly, Rachel at one pointed hoped for a deaf sister so she would have someone she could relate too.  I think it’s pretty normal.  It’s no different than a little boy wishing for a brother.

Once, my son came home and related the following conversation he had with his friends.  At the time he was dating a girl, who’s parents are deaf.  This girl’s family had deaf gene just as my son does.  Apparently conversation ensued among their friends about what if they had kids, what are their chance for having deaf kids?  My son and his girlfriend made a comment that they didn’t care whether they would have a deaf child or not.  It’s not like they’re wishing for it.  They knew they both carried the deaf gene and that if they ever had kid(s) together, the chance of them having deaf kids would be probable.  They were OK with it.  Some of their friends thought it was AWFUL.  “How can you guys be OK with it? They had asked.  Others thought it wasn’t something to get upset about.  My son and his girlfriend said they would know what to do and they would not have grieved.  Others that have no experience with deafness said they would grieve because they thought being deaf was awful.  For most of them, it was the idea of missing out on music and fluid communication.  Clearly our perspective based on our personal experience in deafness shapes how we view the outcomes that occurs in our life.

I have had people asking me the same thing every time I got pregnant with a child.  People asked me what if you have a deaf child?  My response was always the same, “I’d be OK with it.”  I wouldn’t wish for one, but if I had one, I’d be happy and If my child was hearing, I’d be happy.  As long as the child is healthy, that is all that matters.  However, having a deaf child would have been awesome too, it’s because it is something I can relate to. No way is it something I want, wish or hope for.  It’s God’s will. If I was meant to have a deaf children, so be it.  As fate would have it, I was not blessed with deaf children and I’m OK, in fact, I am a bit grateful considering all the controversy that are out there. 

It’s not the same as one really going out of their way to ensure that they have a deaf child.  I know of deaf people who actually go on a quest when searching for their potential life mate.  Some actually make sure that the person they’re with has a deaf gene.  For them, they find it easier to have a deaf child.  Yet, are they wrong to really wish for a deaf child?  I find it quite disturbing to a point, ONLY if the deaf parents actually grieved when they have a hearing child.  There is definitely something wrong with that picture.  Or is that normal? Considering most hearing people with no knowledge or experience, DO grieve when they find out their child is deaf.

For a child to say that they want, wish, or hope for someone to be like them shows the need for one to be able to find someone to relate to. Someone who is like them.

I do not find that to be offensive.

What I find pretty ‘out there’ is the fact that some deaf people will gasp in horror when they find out a deaf couple has a hearing child.  There were a good number of stories related to me that usually goes like this:   A deaf parent of deaf children telling another deaf parent that they are ‘So sorry that their children are not Deaf.”   That comment does throw most deaf parents with hearing child off.  So, all in all, there are deaf extremist who really get upset if their kids are NOT deaf and there are hearing parents who are extremely upset if their child are deaf, both are so much more alike than not.

Simply put, it does make life easier for a parent if the child is like them.  It’s hard to compare deaf to other disabilities,  Deafness is drastically different from any disability,  There isn’t much of a limitation other than the ability to hear which can be dealt with in so many ways.

There also seems to be different regional outlook on this issue among the culturally deaf population.

My family which I was raised with, are a culturally deaf family and even then, my sister related an experience she found disturbing (as did I) when she was asked by a few of her college friend that resided out in the DC area,  if her children are deaf.  She said, no, they’re all hearing.  The response was “What?!, Oh, I am so sorry!” followed by “All of my children are deaf, we are blessed!”   My sister related to me that she felt like perhaps she wasn’t highly revered due to the fact that she ‘failed’ to have deaf children.  She tells her friends that her children are all healthy and that she would not have been any more or less happier with either result.  Turns out many culturally deaf people out on the east coast views the ability to have deaf children equals success for a deaf couple.

This brings out a question I had in my mind.  Where’s the love?  Are there deaf people who carry deaf genes actually go out searching for a mate who carries a deaf gene?  Does love not get into the equation?  I posted that question to my other half who laughed and said, sure there had to be love.  I’m wondering, tho.  It has been said that for the culturally deaf crowd, one would be highly revered had one given birth to deaf kids.  Now, that is what I would consider going too far.

For many deaf parents, having a deaf child means ease in communication, no different from a hearing parent who wish for their deaf child to hear for the very same reason.

For some reason, I just do not see the logic in comparing deafness with other disabling condition such as being crippled and blind.  Deafness seems to be the lessor of all disability and apparently is the only disability, other than dwarfism, that has a cultural component.  But, as such, cultures do die out with changes. For anyone to try to throw in the argument “you wouldn’t want to wish for a crippled child.”  just does not compare equivcally with being deaf, with me.

All my kids are hearing.  When posing that very question to them.  2/3 of them responded that they would prefer to have hearing kids, in fact, they HOPE they would not have a deaf child. And out of that 2/3, they also said if they did have a deaf child, they would deal with it.  Out of the 2/3, only half of them said they would consider a Cochlear Implant.  Music is the number one reason why they felt would be the reason they would feel bad if their child is deaf.   1/3 said they didn’t care, as long as the child is healthy.  What’s also strange is the same half of the 2/3 who would implant their child, didn’t want me to get an implant.  Weird, eh?

Controversy over this issue will continue to present itself as more and more countries start to look at the ethical aspects of creating a designer baby, including a deaf child.  I think we should keep it simple, and let the natural process or higher divinity do what it does best, provide us with a child we were meant to have without wishing for something.  I want my children to have more than I had.  Any flaws I have, I wouldn’t wish on my child.  We have ears and ears are meant to hear, so why wish for something that isn’t working the way it was intend to?

There is a big difference, also, in accepting what you know might be inevitable and what one would do,  such as going to such  great lengths to create something that was not meant to be.

Had my child wanted, hoped, or wished for a sibling or a future child to be just like them, I’d think it was cute.

Children tend to view life in simple terms and for them, to be able to have a sibling just like them, is normal.  For adults, we have all kinds.  Our true self reveals itself to the world.  It reflects who we are and our selfish or unselfish desires.

Sly & The Family Stone – Everyday People

Sometimes I’m right then I can be wrong
My own beliefs are in my songs
A butcher, a banker, a drummer and then
Makes no difference what group I’m in
I am everyday people

There is a blue one who can’t accept
The green one for living with
a black ones tryin’ to be a skinny one
Different strokes for different folks
And so on and so on and scooby dooby dooby

Ooh sha sha
We gotta live together

I am no better and neither are you
We’re all the same whatever we do
You love me you hate me
You know me and then
Still can’t figure out the bag I’m in
I am everyday people

There is a new man
That doesn’t like the short man
For being such a rich one
That will not help the poor one
Different strokes for different folks
And so on and so on scooby dooby dooby

Ooh sha sha
We got to live together

There is a yellow one that won’t
Accept the black one
That won’t accept the red one
That won’t accept the white one

Different strokes for different folks
And so on and so on and
Scooby dooby dooby
Ooh sha sha
I am everyday people